Hey Nancy and Donald….

By Sue Seboda 4/18/20

Who is coloring your hair???  Are they standing 6’ away with a spray nozzle?  Or perhaps on a platform 6 feet above you, dropping buckets of color on your head?  Or maybe someone filled your gold plated toilet with color and gave you a swirly?

The vast majority of Americans are prohibited from visiting a hairdresser but the shutdown kings and queens are all perfectly quaffed?  We know you have gray hair Donald and Nancy.  How about you Gretchen, you’re 48 and probably have some gray creeping in? Was someone coloring your hair when you released the edict that paint sales were verboten? And let’s not forget all the fear mongering talking heads who paralyzed the country with their high drama and low perspective reporting.  How are you coloring your hair???

Oh I would love to ask these questions directly. But the answers are sadly predictable. “Me, in front of a camera with a botched DIY color job?  Heavens no.  I am so huge.  I am so important.  I am almighty. How could I possibly be subject to my own edicts?  Tsk, tsk you silly girl.”  

While the shutdown royalty are getting their hair cut and colored by the pros, what are we doing?  The panic over roots was palpable. Where to buy DIY color? How in the world to pick a color?  How to even find color? A run started the day the economy was shuttered.  But I got lucky.  My enterprising colorist delivered color to the door with a brush and gloves.  I left an envelop with cash.  Smart.  She saved us an enormous amount of money. Reinstalling all the mirrors I ripped out would have been a notable expense. 

Having the tools is one thing, using them is another.  Considering my proclivity towards making a mess, I figured the only safe place was a gravelly area outside.  As bad luck would have it, that area is also used by the neighborhood animals.  No doubt Nancy would love to join me in the litter box for a girls spa day. I brought a mirror outside, cut holes in a trash bag for my head and arms, mixed the color up and got down to business.  I have not looked at the back of my head and have no intention of doing so.  

Meanwhile Earl had to find a solution to avoid that homeless look going around. I think he got the last set of clippers in the world. You can’t even buy manscape clippers.  So I gave Earl my first ever buzz cut.  The first time was a bit scary.  The second time I left a little message on the back of his head….

Anyway, listen up all you who worship at the alter of false models, stop with the “we are all in this together” BS.  Clearly that’s not true. Your hypocrisy cheapens us all.